Does it get easier? or more complicated?

So I get it. Okay, nope I don't. But I am starting to think that maybe there isn't anything for me to get. At least the whimsical spirit in me is very convincing that I should just embrace the journey and embrace the road bumps (at times gigantic potholes) as life's little learning treasures and chock it all up to experience gained, my largest life file. Problem is, I do not recall wanting any gained experience in certain areas of my life. I do not want to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop, the sucker is the best part to me. I don't like the chocolately nougat stuff in the middle all that much. So it is with life sometimes. I don't want to visit stops E, F, I, or Q on my way to stop C. It just seems unfair. Oh where is the mighty server of justice? I know I sound pathetic, but (you knew it was coming) I am a twenty-eight year old American single mom of two attempting to find a passionate route to dreamland(handsome lover included) and amidst all of this I feel like my world is crumbling around me at times, which I will add is pathetic in the grand scheme of the world. My daily strides are not saving the world. I have dreams to save the world (does that count). But even if I am not saving the world, I may just be making it a better place. If I am happy, I am more likely to give and give back to my community which makes our world better. But I am attempting to save just one person. Me. This is critical I realize. If every person of responsible age, say 17, would take charge of their life and be responsible: work with discipline, educate oneself, extend courtesy to others, accept and embrace diversity, appreciate one's environment, promote a worthy character and a sincere compassion for fellow citizens of the planet, the world would be amazing. However, this is not dreamland. People are all competing for the same bigger slice of pie because the one that they currently have isn't large enough. Everyone is working on a personal agenda. More generally speaking, I refer to this as one of my American faults. Part of being American is striving for success and stacking up our little chips until we reach the successful mark that makes us feel accomplished, at which point we will feel happy. Wrong. I know this is wrong but I do it anyway. I tell myself to think differently and I do this anyway. You can fail in America but just make sure you have succeeded and are succeeding when you tell your failure story, or otherwise no one will listen because you won't be special if you aren't successful. The main problem with this isn't that success brings happiness but it is the cup we measure with. How do you measure success and do you measure failure?

My failure measuring cup and my success measuring cup are not equal. It is like walking into William Sonoma and for the first time in your life the sales associate wants to sell you dry measuring cups and wet ones. WTF? That was my thought the first time I heard this. I'd watched grandmothers, my mom, aunts, sisters, and neighbors (sorry no men I see cook measure ) measure things for chocolate chip cookies and elaborate dishes and no one appeared to distinguish between what we were using to measure. But low and behold there is a difference. However, in life we shouldn't weigh these differently, at least I shouldn't. The main reason I shouldn't is because I am unfair to myself. My failure cup seems to be smaller than my success cup. I allow the failures in my life to impact me with more potency than the successes. It feels like failures are concentrates while successes get watered down along the way. When I achieve a goal I am too busy focusing on the next step to appreciate the gratification in the accomplishment. Thus why people preach to enjoy the journey. Because bottom line is the goal, gratifying it may be, is not as rewarding as the discipline in achievement. In an effort to embrace achievements I am personally giving myself actual rewards for my successes. Yes, I am treating myself like an 8 year old with a star chart. I've realized I like recognition and it makes me happier and more productive thus the reward system.

Now that February is over I am looking back to see how I did with my resolutions. Relationships are hard and easy at the same time. It is hard to keep up because I along with everyone else is always busy. We are always busy and always will be. I learned just do it. Visit my grandmother on a Wednesday for a few hours anyway. Whatever it was that I would need to do I will still need to do that afternoon or the next day but the time I spend with her will be more rewarding than a scratch on my todo list. I also learned that I should never assume those I love know how much I love them. That I should tell them and make sure they know because how terrible a thing for someone not to know they are loved. I also learned that my health is my control and my responsibility. I am continuing my January resolutions as well and I'd be lying if I said I didn't lose my temper. I did. But in mid rant I stopped, and walked away. I would never been able to do that in December. I am progressing and that is a great feeling.